Truth or Lies.

All this while I have been told that i have to be baptized to join the BOTC, Basic Officer Training Course.
All these years, I have been a lowly OTC, Officer Cadet Trainee, a not recognised 1.
Not recognized by HQ, not acknowledged by the officers in church. ALONE...
A surge in me asked me to call HQ to ask about it today, and to my horror...
How is it that i can survive on such an environment for such a long time...
How does it feel to be fighting all odds and only to discover that what you have been fighting for all these years only to discover that all these turned out to be a mistake, or what's worse, a lie...
Was it a mistake? Was it a Lie? Was it a misunderstanding?
I do not know...
I do not want to know...
I only know that rite now my heart greives...
Tears seems to be welling out of my eyes...
I want to cry out loud, but something seems to e stuck at my throat...
If it was a lie, God allowed it?
If it was a misunderstanding, God allowed it?
If it was a mistake, God allowed it?
Was it of the flesh or spirit?
Always go back to the source, only the source holds the truth. Humans are not trust worthy, not anymore...
I can't think properly now...
How much do I have to suffer under the hands of people who call themselves Christians, People who call themselves BROTHERS IN CHRIST?

Incomplete Reunion Dinner

Despite the heavy snow and unforgiving weather, many chineses in China hope to go bak home to their love ones to part-take in the lunar new year eve reunion dinner.
It's a chinese custom/tradition for the family members to return home to have a meal together as a complete family, like thanks-giving dinner celebrated by most westerners.
Of course, there will be people who can't be bothered of these customs, while some can't go back home due to work or study commitments.
The pain of not having a meal with your family, and loved ones is tremendous.
The unspeakable sadness, the feeling of loneliness in a foreign land.

But all this will pass away cause you know that eventually your family will be waiting and looking forward for you to come bak.

The worse people are not those who dun bother abt reunion dinner. It's those who chooses to have the dinner with other relatives over you.
It wasn't a situation without choice that they can't return, they chose not to.
Such people is simply just saying that you are not part of "my" family, you're not that important.

Angry and sadden by that man's action. I'm not going to sink any further than those feelings, I'm not going to spoil the mood of this Festive season. I want to be happy, and face this with cheerfulness. I'll look up at the blue sky and smile.

Not walking alone

It's a long time since I really posted something positive.
Hahaha...
Well, God is very graceful to me.
He has been providing me lil bits of income bit by bit when i needed them the most.
A few ppl return me money here, claim back a bit of money there, earn a bit here, scrimp a bit there. That's the life that He want's me to experience.
Prayed for a Job, clueless of wat to look for, I prayed to Him.
Now i've finally got a job tat is prefect for me.
It's not gonna be easy, there will be trouble and difficulties, but with and by His will I'll be alrite.

Vengeances

When one is cursed, two Graves are dug.
A saying from the popular anime in japan.
Yet how true it is.
In the world of Withcraft and Sourcery, What goes around comes around.
How foolish humans can be even knowing that hatred and vengeance will come back and haunt them, bringing forth more miseries.
How can one free himself from such a vicious trap and cycle?
How can one find peace in such a chaotic world and time?
Time and time again I wanted to leave this wretched world and go to heaven.
Many a time, i wanted to commit suicide to end the pain and suffering.
Burdened and tormented by others and myself, guilt and depression strangles me.
Duties and desires chained me down.
I want to be free.
I want to be loved.
I want a family.
I want to find God.
I want to end the war within me, the war between the holy spirit and the demon within me.
I'm not shameful to confess that I know of the demons and the devil personally.
I know their works and their plans.
I'm their strongest weapon against God, against Jesus Christ.
That is how sinful I am.

Too many cooks spoils the broth

Currently in SGB, watching over those lil rascals spending time for the community.
The planning izzin very well executed out by the boys, not because of their incompetence but the officers and the in-charge's.
Too many ppl being activated to handle a certain task.
Too many ppl slacking ard.
In simple terms, Great power not fully used.
Haiz..
I'm gonna just sit one corner and stay in observer status.
Chaotic enough, dun wanna make matter worse.
Camping out here...

just a house.

U din asked wat happened?
All u did was smile, the 1 that u always do.
It wasn't the smile of kindness, it was the way u laugh at ppl.
All u said was that i dun have time anymore when others tell me to take my time.
All u cared abt is money, not me.
All u cared abt is when can i find a job, so that u dun have to provide for me.
U din care if i liked that job.
U said it's my future, u pretended to care.
But u don't.
ever since i was born, u din care.
all u cared abt was urself.
all u did was pretend u cared.
u wan me out of ur life dun u.

Given up, Bak to the drawing board.

Working is TTSH izzin workin' out. seriously.
NIE still has no reply, not gonna wait any more.
Resigned from TTSH, Monday is my last day.
No plans yet.
Taking things one at a time.
Focusing on getting my bike license 1st.
Time to end this.
Its about time I become a full fledge Rider.
Then after that is my driver's license, save money for my bike, den get a car from my dad.
Doubt that's gonna happen, he never fulfil his promises.
maybe get a cheap 2nd hand MPV or SUV.
bigger is better, like a family.

Ending before i could start.

Yet another day @ work in TTSH.
Busy busy busy.
patients moving in like crazy bees attracted to the sweet smell of honey..
the clerks here are very helpful, a bit too helpful.
helpful to the point of messy. too many cooks spoils the broth.
haizz.
today is only the 6th day at work, but the manager told me that they have enough people here already, will be transferring me to another clinic.
haiz.. just when i'm getting used to this place..
anyway, i might just quit.
BB seems to need my attention more..
CHoices..
NIE application still no reply.. dun even know if i should go look for a prem job.
haiz.

fin
scribbles

Old, dirty and worn out rubber...

Tired. Very tired..
Physically, mentally and spritually.
Not getting much sleep.
Not getting much support.
I need rest.. a rest from the world.
away from technology, away from city..
Mayb i should spend sometime at the beach..
Mayb i should go bak to malaysia for a while..
Mayb i should be alone..
Wait, i'm already alone..
burdened by much issues.
Past.
Present.
Future.
My Own issues.
Other people's issues.
I guess nobody bothers anymore.

Ought to sleep now.
Nobody reads this...
cause if they do, they ought would have known, instead of asking "r u ok?" or "wat happened?"

fin~
scribbles

easier said than done

It's getting harder and harder to keep my rage in control.
Keeping myself in emotional state doesn't seem to help anymore...
Not knowing when i'll snap, i fear that i might hurt the people i care and love for.
Benedict thinks that i'm being emo, cause i'm emo..
Sadly, that what most people think of me...
They know me not...
not well enough to understand the rage and hatred and deep grudge that i have for humans.
Last night, i lost control for a while...
A long time since i lost control...
Nobody listens.. everyone jumps to conclusion and quick to give advice...
Death seems to be a much easier way out then facing this Raging demon that's sealed within me..
Everybody wants to be happy, likewise for me cause i'm human too.
Living seems to be more of a burden than happiness.
I want to see the Lord, i want to be in heaven with God, I want to go back home.
Using depression to suppress rage.. that's my way for control, but rage seems to getting stronger and stronger.
Maybe letting go is the solution.
Easier said than done.

fin
-Scribbles.EL-