Man Without Love

A long absents of entries lately even though I had plenty of time.
It have been a week since I resigned from Toys'r'us.
Though i have plenty of time, but yet time seems to fly so fast for me.
It's Sept already, BB work seems to be piling up...
Its like a never ending load of work and admin stuff to do.
NYAA, the awards, the NCO council, the squad system and the noticeboard.
on top of that, my future as a teacher.
So tired yet i cannot rest, like a zombie...
Thx God for giving me strength to carry on walking.

Staying at home made me see lots of things.
My mum despise me.
Well, she should. I'm not even capable of supporting myself at the age of 24.
I'm not like Gabriels who have stable jobs, unlike Jisam whose doing degree in the States, not like Dhana whose gonna be a future doctor, not capable of bringing money home for the parents like all my other peers. All i can do is stay at home, eat and sleep, No help at all. Yes, she has every reason to despise and feel ashame of such a worthless son. Useless, and unchanged is what she sees in her own flesh and blood.

My Dad thinks i'm stupid, a retart, a useless fool.
Always make decisions that doesn't benefit the family.
Always going out, wasting money.
At age of 24 still need to depend on him.
Yes, comparing me to him, he is a lot more capable.
Leaving home at the age of 16, going to a country strange to him, started from stratch and now a business man.
He is so capable that he can flirt with his "other woman" over the phone in front of me. Mayb he thinks that i dun know what going on, that he is flirting.
Haven't he learnt from his previous affair? yes, "previous".
the very affair that got him on the run, the very affair that got him to come back home in fear. He even showed the naked photos of that woman to my mother.
What a joke.
People say that the child is the result of the love of 2 parents.
He have 2, jean and me.
So why does he still do such a thing?
Mayb he doesn't love my mother anymore.
Mayb my mother is just a machine to carry on the family line.
what a joke to think that he will change after my mother forgive him.
no longer i can cry because of this man's doing. I'm not sad, just disappointed.
I'm not sad because i have such a father, i'm not sad because i have such a mother, I'm just disapointed that they think i'm a fool.
Why am i not sad? shouldn't i be sad that my father betrayed my mother again?
I'm not sad, just pity my mother.
Maybe I too, like him, have no love.
If he has love, he shouldn't do such a thing to my mother.
Mayb he have too much love u say. No, i'm sure that is not possible.
Cause love is to protect and give and be fair, not to cause harm and sadness.
If loving somebody can hurt another person, that is not love. That is lust.
Hahaha, wat a joke.

You will only be a father, not a dad.
My dad don't exist at all.
I dun hate u, cause ur not worth it.
Neither do i despise u, cause i will be coming like u.
All i can do is to pray that 1 day, just 1 day, that u will realise wat is love and wat have u done that u might repent and turn to look for salvation.
Hope u repent soon, cause time is running out.

"I will died before u, but i will see u die before me."
-scribbles.EL-