In need of rest.

suffering from aching biceps, deprived of sleep, plenty of work to be completed.

Planning to take a break from all this.

Mayb i should go on a short holiday at malaysia.

visit my relatives.

Mayb...

Yesterday was rushing report like mad, but din manage to finish, only finished the framework.

den brought Wei Chang to the school gym.

Well, it's his 1st time in the school's gym, he pretty much wanna try everything.

Gd thing i learnt a thing or two from books and previous gym-ing sessions.

Taught him a game i learnt from Alex, it's called the "bell press" i think.

He seem to enjoy it. we'r starting real slow, letting him build up strength.

Hmm, will plan a simple routine for him and gonna learn more fun games from Alex and Amos to teach WeiChang. hahaha..

Den rushed to my main office for an promotion interview.

Gonna skip the details. Let just say that i'm keeping my fingers crossed.

After that I went to Orchard to meet up with Alex to sign up for gym membership.

Visited my brother at the SGB booth.

He happens to be on duty on Orchard Main Box.

Finally met Jaryl for dinner at Sakae Sushi. We ate to our tummy's content.

Yum. 

We also had Cup Walker's Bubble tea. Wow, their Hazelnut Chocolate milk tea is OMG GOOD!

Very explosive. Power~!

Finishing my reports now.

Gonna go on a half day off later. 

Going home 1st for a nap den accompany my lil brother, Benedict, to beach road.

Rush Hour

came back from a extremely long meeting.

left with 3 hours to finish my reports.

this is a mad rush.

Got plenty of lesson plans to finish also.

Need to finish a 20min video clip for 51st coy also, deadline is near.

need to discuss course plans with external vendor ASAP.

many things  to do, so  lil time.

all last min.

I love my job.

Slack

In School now, planning to go the gym later. 

Went to Sim Lim to buy a 2gb RAM for my pathetic laptop. hopefully after this upgrade, i can do my video editing on the laptop instead of my computer. 

Den went to SITEX to make a quick purchase on a bunch of software tutorials.

Pretty boring.

Went home without dinner. famished, had cravings for western, so i went hunting for western food stalls. Sadly, the nice ones close before 11pm.

Today's plan would be to finish my bi-monthly report for my dreaded company.

Dun really feel like doing it, but no choice.

Lost

So many things happened.
So many things to blog abt.
So lost for words.
Love life - a Mess.
Work life - too lazy to do anything abt it.
Family life - spending too lil time at home.
Personal life - I wanna slp...

so that pretty much concludes all that has happened recently.
kinda long to write everything here, probably will bore most of whosoever that reads this blog.
dun even know if anybody reads it anymore.
the skin is kinda old.
the entries are boring, pretty much like my life.
the whole thing is pretty much a failure, like myself.

That's all for today.
should start to blog more often...

Screwed up life..

Why does my life have to be in such a mess?
it's painful.
to think that this will never happen to me, but it has..
I can't stop thinking abt u, yet i can't let her down..
it's so complicated, yet it seems so easy.
a part of me tells me to end this quickly, get it over and done with, hurting one party now will be better den everyone suffer.
while another part of me tells me that i cannot hurt her anymore. enough is enough, i have hurt her enough. I'm so trapped..
i can't let go of both of u...
I'm really not a good man. please, both of u, stay far away from me...
i'll only hurt both of u...
I dun want to....

help...

In need of a break...

work work work.
Have been making new friends to widen my social circle.
Really haven been doing my work...
lots of things have piled up..
must be the holiday season..
need to really take a break from the world.
need to go somewhere without the city, without technology, without humans, without sins...
so tired with the life that i'm having...
seviourly abused by people in the school.
I'm only getting 1500, and i'm working 2 people job.
I mean i can help u as a favour, but if u take me for granted, den u will be in deep shit.
Gotta learn to reject...

got these feelings again..
somebody kept coming into my mind..
and I start to mind how she thinks abt me..
I'm afraid that i'm falling into the deadly trap of love again..
But rite now i know i can't give her happiness, yet i wanna hold onto her..
the selfishness of man..
Gotta stop all these...
Self control...

To that somebody:
I can't stop myself thinking of u.
I can't help but wonder if ur ok every now and then.
I can't stop wondering how u feel about me.

Latest Bubble Tea Craze!!!!

It's been a long while after the bubble tea craze in singapore has died down.
But just over the weekend, a brand new flavor and trend is born!

Presenting the BUBBLE TEA CURD~



Made from ordinary milk tea, which is left over the weekend, and corn-starch pearls, topped with chemically treated syrup to add a fruity twist to the drink. This brand new drink is sure to keep you occupied at home or in the hospital for weeks. The perfect way to spend your school holidays.

The creator of this wonderful drink is none other than Mr Elkan from Christ Church Secondary School. Last friday, he accidentally left his honeydew bubble tea, unopened, in the office and went home. By Monday when he came back to office and Tada~ he found Bubble tea curd!
And that's how this amazing drink was discovered.

end...

New monitor

It's been long since I blogged.
was working on lots of things lately.
Students, tuition, projects, competition and counselling.
so life is like really packed for me..
getting a long real fine with the teachers quite well.
so are rather close, while the others are just fine.
I think one of the teachers, dun really like me.
Mayb i'm too close to the other female teachers...
Haiz.. can't really please everyone...
mayb i should just stay away from all of them.

anyway, i just gt a 22" LCD monitor for myself.
It's real BIG i tell u.
and very bright too.. kinda glaring.

Well, over and out for now.

the only pleasent thing that i encounter today is to see that a student actually downloaded my artwork from the internet and used it as his hp wallpaper.
Now that's really being honored.

lousy day in school

was like so totally late for school today.
there was like an whole army of kids queuing for 901.
I'm like almost fainted. Well, i took it easy, God's Word kept me company.
Reached school just when it started to rain, really have to thank God for keeping the raining from raiding on me.
Well, lessons aren't that bad. only the computers are getting on my nerves.
Imagine that my photoshop hangs halfway while i'm teaching. I had to like restart my com and load the whole program and stuff.
Good thing God was with me, Praise to Him for helping me through the lesson.
Teaching without visual for a few minutes. I tell you, those few minutes were long.
Then finally it's over. went to buy lunch, happy happy go buy some toileties while waiting for my fried rice, den a teacher called.
Well, she just wanted me to help set up the VGA cable in one of the labs for a english course.
Well, it gets better.. I pick up my food, head back to school, and as i reach the my office and put down my food, i gotta go open another lab so that the NE teacher can go in and prepare for the NE lesson.
So i went to open the lab, den went to set up the cable and stuff, and when i'm done, i need to pick up a postit sample and go for NE lesson duty.
By the time i have time to grab a bite from my Lunch, which by the way have been sitting there for 2 hrs, is cold...
How horrible can a day get?
Well, at least now I'm at home.
Praise the Lord my Father, who blessed my with a day so busy and fun. at least, i did something...
Amen.

Step by step we get closer

finished my run just in time for CSI.
darn, I really need to improve my leg's strength and stamina.
I want the power to run again and to do that, the only way is to train and keep running.
It's just there and all i have to do is to keep running.

The goals that we have, likewise, we need to keep running towards them to reach them. but of course, we also have to commit our goals and desires to the Lord our Father.

Life of a teacher

1st day in my life, i finally felt like a teacher.
Lessons all the way till 1240, den solved a few computer problem [real minor ones], den do some mudane form making, submit notes for printing and end of story.
ok, that's pretty much like a teacher except for the problem solving part.

Lesson wise... boring..
the sec 1s are very manageable, and so are the sec 3s, except for 3E1.
really a turn off when teaching them.
show no interest, needless to say, respect.
seriously, for those who aren't interested, pls leave or at the very least, keep quite. There's people in the class who wants to learn.
Pls, unless ur more pro than me, u better shuddup man.
anyway, they aren't anyhing to be stressed about, so I'm chilling.

Maybe gonna go for a run. Haven done that properly for a very long time.
Never had to really practice. Speed was alway part of me, but I want more.
I want stamina, endurance, the ability to sprint for long distance.
that power... I want.

Starting to pick up guitar on my own.
learning slowly.
ok, not so slowly...
kinda rushing to pick up at least a new song.
Maybe can ask Amos for the chords. Maybe.
Gonna pick up so i can play in worship, fellowship or any kind of ships.
not gonna lose to some brats that i know of. Mhuahhaha.

Friend that loved more than a brother and women

In 1 Samuel, the bible told and shown me how much Jonathan and David loved each other.
The love of 2 righteous men, their love was pure and holy to each other.
In the days of the past, whatever King commanded, it was absolute. Yet, Jonathan took the risk of seriously upsetting his father, Saul the king of Israel, and help David escaped.
When they parted, I believed it was very painful. Surely, they must have longed to spend more time with each other, surely they must have hope that they will one day meet again.
When Jonathan died, David mourned and sang,

"I grieve for you, Jonathan my brother;
you were very dear to me.
Your love for me was wonderful,
more wonderful than that of women."
- 2 Samuel 1:26

Will I be able to speak of such love for you, my little brother?
Will I be able hear you call me brother ever again?
I hope I will. I hope we will have a chance to fellowship in the Lord again.
I hope that you be able to read this and share the same thought as well.
Leaving it to God our Father.

May the Lord's Peace be with you who read this post.

sorrow came knocking on my door

It's youth day.
school izzin open.
woke up at 12pm. It's been long since the last time i did tat.
many things on my mind. many things undone.
did a bit of things here and a bit of things there.
nothing was completed.
need to focus.
Need joy.
want to search for it.
but dunno where to find it.
Got my PDL.
Something is draining away my life.
what is it?
grief? sorrow? I do not know.
how do i leave it to God?
I do not know.
Going through shit?
I think so.
Mayb i'm going mad.
Mayb i am.

Looking for Joy

Many a times i screw up God's wonderful work and His maverlous plan.
Too many confusing thoughts and the devil and his demons are working hard, whispering doubts and lies into my heart.
Need to focus.
Need to let go.
Need to love God.

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your mind and all your strenght.
I have to learn.
To love God before anybody.

no more hugs, no more gd mornings, more gd nites.
Suddenly you are so cold.
it's not your fault.
Only mine to blame.

Have i become too attached to you?
Have i grown to dependent on your company?
Maybe i have, that's why i'm feeling like that.
do you feel the same as i am?
or do you have better things to do?
Maybe you do, that's why you seem like so.

Who can i share my feelings with, only those who read my blog i guess.
Who can i really confine and find comfort?
In God I trust.
He tells me," Billy, if u wan to embrace the one you love again, you need to let go your ties."
"Follow me and you will find your loved ones again."
My Lord calls for me to abandon my life.
It's a painful decision and I do not know what will become of us.
But Jesus has to come 1st in my life.
Jesus has to take control.

Bak from Camp

Came bak from camp yesterday.
din enjoy the camp.
as usual, became the man behind the scene taking photos of others enjoying.
came bak and wrote a letter of resignation to the officers.
yes, I'm leaving 51st.
for a few months, for a few years or for good, I do not know.
All i know is that all this is part of God's plan.
It was part of God's plan that I torn apart my relationship with my brother.
Torn apart seems to strong a word, more like a suspension or stand still.
Until we can stand together and be comfortable in each other's presence in whatever situation, can we really call each other brothers.
I saw it coming, visually.
Seems like a joke for God, but it's not.
It's a wake up call.
Not for him, but for me.
Slowly, it has come clear to me that my spiritual gift might be premonition.
It's painful. Very painful.
as if my heart is bleeding.
I miss all the hugs and gd nite.
I miss "Nite bro. *hug", "take care", "morning bro. *hug" and "*poke".
one nite, and it hurts so much already.

This is happening because I rely on you too much.
~fin

Birthdays, gatherings, being emo

Today's Qi sheng's birthday.
As usual, i'll call and sing him a birthday song. That's me, my way of giving a surprize to my beloved friends.
It's been long since we last met. So long ago.
I have always wanted to set up an alumni for the company, yet there seem to be little interest from the eX-boys.
No "Yay"s, No "Woo Hoo"s..
Just a cold "anything" kinda reply.
I can't do it alone.
Kinda sad. Feeling kinda lonely. Having that lil moody moments as if the world has stop spinning and all things ard me has come to a stand still.
It's tat kind of nostalgic feeling, where everything turns yellow like the late afternoon sun and your just tired and listless..
Kinda enjoying this sad and moody moment as if I'm the main character of a tragic love story.
lol
K, gotta cheer up. Else ChuanYi and Benedict will be worried.
=)
Happy Birthday Qisheng.

Stuck On the Track

The train that I boarded broke down at Sembawang Station.
Just a stop away from where I boarded, darn.
As the train was completely stuck and couldn't move on its' own, we had to wait for the next train to "push" us.
After 30mins of patient waiting, we'r finally released from our confinement.
But things dun end there.
the passengers from next train had to alight as their train needs to drag our train off the track.
1st time in my life, I saw an "army" of people "stationing at the platform, wow.
when the next available train arrived, 70% of the people desperately squeezed into the train.
What's the point of doing that, i think to myself. we'r late anyway, and the next train will arrive in a couple of mins, so might as well wait for awhile.
I like my personal space.
and so that's how my morning began, arriving at school at 8.50 with a ridiculous excuse.
"My train broke down"
hahaha, sound like "My dog ate my homework".
anyway, gotta go back to work.

Wonder how much fine is SMRT going to get for the break down...

Past reviewed

Stumble upon my past entries.
Saw the promises that I gave to myself and God.
Looking at now and my past, I have failed as a son of God.
Failed as a Brother to Benedict, Nicholas, ChuanYi, Manfred and many more.
Everytime I said I want to go into secludion for a period, I can't and I din.
Many promises to fulfil.
Many Goals to hit.
Many tasks to complete.
Many people to catch up with.
One God to Love.

Life's a mess.
It's abt time I do a "spring Cleaning for my life, goals, dreams and tots.

~Fin

Need to worker smarter and take back my time

3 months working in Christ Church Sec, haven really know all the teachers yet and i meant names.
Work isn't smooth at all.
All attention being given to students and teachers and lack of time for myself, my brother, my family, my beloved Boys and most importantly God.
Drifting further away from the peace that He promised.
Moving further away from the light.
Straying away from his way.
There is a need to reject people, It's time I'm stop being "customer" oriented.
It's time to learn.
Time to fight for my rights.

Depression hits again?

Yes, it's been long since i blogged.
The on a trip to batam yesterday with the teachers of Christ Church Secondary School.
1st: God arranged the events in such that there is no parade for the 51st and i can go on the trip in peace.
2nd: the trip was delayed and the Go-cart was canceled, and thus i saved some money.
3rd: God sent rain and the boring culture dance performance was canceled as well.
4th: There was nothing to buy from the Batam shopping mall. Saved money.
5th: The whole trip made me realized 1 thing, no matter how much I try to be nice and put on a smile, there will still be "people" who dun smile at you. These people can only be addressed as colleagues and nothing else.
Andy asked me if i'm attending church, and commented that i should be able to find a girlfriend in church ground. I understand what he meant.
He was shocked to hear that the church does not have cell-group or similar grouping system like that to bring people of the same age group together.
Unhappy tots clouds my mind and my whole world starts to collapse.
Suddenly I feel so left out and alone.
Grieves and regrets swarmed in my heart.

Where has the friendly and helpful wei lin gone? [my chinese name, used when I was in my primary sch years]
What happened to the energetic and garang Billy? [ the christian name chose to I gave myself due to many reasons]
Isn't Elkan suppose to devote himself to God and follow closely in Him Way? [the Hebrew name that I gave myself to symbolize the new me in Christ. It meant Belonging to God]

Shouldn't be grieving over not being born into a Christian family.
Shouldn't be grieving over not attending Sunday School as a child.
Shouldn't be grieving over not being able to mix with the people in church.
I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
I dun have friends, it seems...
Family seems so cold and meaning less.
Home is like a word in the dictionary that I can hardly apply in my daily life.

everything just seems to be spiralling down the drain..
Everything seems so heavy.
even watching anime is so boring and a chore.
What's worse is tat seeing others excel, it seems like there is no hope in my future.
I'm lagging behind and i can't catch up.
I couldn't breath...

It's been long...

It's been long since i have properly blogged. taking this chance to post an entry while I'm preparing to teach and bring the blogging culture to my residential school, Christ Church Secondary in Woodlands...
It's 2 months since i'm here. coming to a term soon, students here can be quite irritating and annoying and has total disregards for the teachers. What's happening to our society? What's becoming of the students nowadays.
Students talk back, shout and verbally abuse the teachers.
Gone are the times when teachers walk in and students will greet the teachers at the class monitor's command.
Gone are the time when the students stop and greet the teachers as they approach.
Gone are the time when the teacher can concentrate on teaching the students while they pay attention to the elders teach and explain.

So what happened?
Teachers have to "wrestle" with managing the students and control the noise level.
Teachers are also put at risk of being sued for abuse and "blacklisted" if they ever do physically "touch" the students.
Are the younger generation too protected?
Are they too "spoilt" by the government and their family?
Too deep an issue to discuss
Too wide an issue to put a conclusion
Many factors involved
Many parties affected
Time to get going
Lots of work to do
Lots of tasks to think about
Plenty to follow up
In a Love Hate relationship with my job

Fin~

Truth or Lies.

All this while I have been told that i have to be baptized to join the BOTC, Basic Officer Training Course.
All these years, I have been a lowly OTC, Officer Cadet Trainee, a not recognised 1.
Not recognized by HQ, not acknowledged by the officers in church. ALONE...
A surge in me asked me to call HQ to ask about it today, and to my horror...
How is it that i can survive on such an environment for such a long time...
How does it feel to be fighting all odds and only to discover that what you have been fighting for all these years only to discover that all these turned out to be a mistake, or what's worse, a lie...
Was it a mistake? Was it a Lie? Was it a misunderstanding?
I do not know...
I do not want to know...
I only know that rite now my heart greives...
Tears seems to be welling out of my eyes...
I want to cry out loud, but something seems to e stuck at my throat...
If it was a lie, God allowed it?
If it was a misunderstanding, God allowed it?
If it was a mistake, God allowed it?
Was it of the flesh or spirit?
Always go back to the source, only the source holds the truth. Humans are not trust worthy, not anymore...
I can't think properly now...
How much do I have to suffer under the hands of people who call themselves Christians, People who call themselves BROTHERS IN CHRIST?

Incomplete Reunion Dinner

Despite the heavy snow and unforgiving weather, many chineses in China hope to go bak home to their love ones to part-take in the lunar new year eve reunion dinner.
It's a chinese custom/tradition for the family members to return home to have a meal together as a complete family, like thanks-giving dinner celebrated by most westerners.
Of course, there will be people who can't be bothered of these customs, while some can't go back home due to work or study commitments.
The pain of not having a meal with your family, and loved ones is tremendous.
The unspeakable sadness, the feeling of loneliness in a foreign land.

But all this will pass away cause you know that eventually your family will be waiting and looking forward for you to come bak.

The worse people are not those who dun bother abt reunion dinner. It's those who chooses to have the dinner with other relatives over you.
It wasn't a situation without choice that they can't return, they chose not to.
Such people is simply just saying that you are not part of "my" family, you're not that important.

Angry and sadden by that man's action. I'm not going to sink any further than those feelings, I'm not going to spoil the mood of this Festive season. I want to be happy, and face this with cheerfulness. I'll look up at the blue sky and smile.

Not walking alone

It's a long time since I really posted something positive.
Hahaha...
Well, God is very graceful to me.
He has been providing me lil bits of income bit by bit when i needed them the most.
A few ppl return me money here, claim back a bit of money there, earn a bit here, scrimp a bit there. That's the life that He want's me to experience.
Prayed for a Job, clueless of wat to look for, I prayed to Him.
Now i've finally got a job tat is prefect for me.
It's not gonna be easy, there will be trouble and difficulties, but with and by His will I'll be alrite.

Vengeances

When one is cursed, two Graves are dug.
A saying from the popular anime in japan.
Yet how true it is.
In the world of Withcraft and Sourcery, What goes around comes around.
How foolish humans can be even knowing that hatred and vengeance will come back and haunt them, bringing forth more miseries.
How can one free himself from such a vicious trap and cycle?
How can one find peace in such a chaotic world and time?
Time and time again I wanted to leave this wretched world and go to heaven.
Many a time, i wanted to commit suicide to end the pain and suffering.
Burdened and tormented by others and myself, guilt and depression strangles me.
Duties and desires chained me down.
I want to be free.
I want to be loved.
I want a family.
I want to find God.
I want to end the war within me, the war between the holy spirit and the demon within me.
I'm not shameful to confess that I know of the demons and the devil personally.
I know their works and their plans.
I'm their strongest weapon against God, against Jesus Christ.
That is how sinful I am.