Depression hits again?

Yes, it's been long since i blogged.
The on a trip to batam yesterday with the teachers of Christ Church Secondary School.
1st: God arranged the events in such that there is no parade for the 51st and i can go on the trip in peace.
2nd: the trip was delayed and the Go-cart was canceled, and thus i saved some money.
3rd: God sent rain and the boring culture dance performance was canceled as well.
4th: There was nothing to buy from the Batam shopping mall. Saved money.
5th: The whole trip made me realized 1 thing, no matter how much I try to be nice and put on a smile, there will still be "people" who dun smile at you. These people can only be addressed as colleagues and nothing else.
Andy asked me if i'm attending church, and commented that i should be able to find a girlfriend in church ground. I understand what he meant.
He was shocked to hear that the church does not have cell-group or similar grouping system like that to bring people of the same age group together.
Unhappy tots clouds my mind and my whole world starts to collapse.
Suddenly I feel so left out and alone.
Grieves and regrets swarmed in my heart.

Where has the friendly and helpful wei lin gone? [my chinese name, used when I was in my primary sch years]
What happened to the energetic and garang Billy? [ the christian name chose to I gave myself due to many reasons]
Isn't Elkan suppose to devote himself to God and follow closely in Him Way? [the Hebrew name that I gave myself to symbolize the new me in Christ. It meant Belonging to God]

Shouldn't be grieving over not being born into a Christian family.
Shouldn't be grieving over not attending Sunday School as a child.
Shouldn't be grieving over not being able to mix with the people in church.
I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
I dun have friends, it seems...
Family seems so cold and meaning less.
Home is like a word in the dictionary that I can hardly apply in my daily life.

everything just seems to be spiralling down the drain..
Everything seems so heavy.
even watching anime is so boring and a chore.
What's worse is tat seeing others excel, it seems like there is no hope in my future.
I'm lagging behind and i can't catch up.
I couldn't breath...