Today's Qi sheng's birthday.
As usual, i'll call and sing him a birthday song. That's me, my way of giving a surprize to my beloved friends.
It's been long since we last met. So long ago.
I have always wanted to set up an alumni for the company, yet there seem to be little interest from the eX-boys.
No "Yay"s, No "Woo Hoo"s..
Just a cold "anything" kinda reply.
I can't do it alone.
Kinda sad. Feeling kinda lonely. Having that lil moody moments as if the world has stop spinning and all things ard me has come to a stand still.
It's tat kind of nostalgic feeling, where everything turns yellow like the late afternoon sun and your just tired and listless..
Kinda enjoying this sad and moody moment as if I'm the main character of a tragic love story.
lol
K, gotta cheer up. Else ChuanYi and Benedict will be worried.
=)
Happy Birthday Qisheng.
Wednesday, 4 June 2008
Stuck On the Track
The train that I boarded broke down at Sembawang Station.
Just a stop away from where I boarded, darn.
As the train was completely stuck and couldn't move on its' own, we had to wait for the next train to "push" us.
After 30mins of patient waiting, we'r finally released from our confinement.
But things dun end there.
the passengers from next train had to alight as their train needs to drag our train off the track.
1st time in my life, I saw an "army" of people "stationing at the platform, wow.
when the next available train arrived, 70% of the people desperately squeezed into the train.
What's the point of doing that, i think to myself. we'r late anyway, and the next train will arrive in a couple of mins, so might as well wait for awhile.
I like my personal space.
and so that's how my morning began, arriving at school at 8.50 with a ridiculous excuse.
"My train broke down"
hahaha, sound like "My dog ate my homework".
anyway, gotta go back to work.
Wonder how much fine is SMRT going to get for the break down...
Just a stop away from where I boarded, darn.
As the train was completely stuck and couldn't move on its' own, we had to wait for the next train to "push" us.
After 30mins of patient waiting, we'r finally released from our confinement.
But things dun end there.
the passengers from next train had to alight as their train needs to drag our train off the track.
1st time in my life, I saw an "army" of people "stationing at the platform, wow.
when the next available train arrived, 70% of the people desperately squeezed into the train.
What's the point of doing that, i think to myself. we'r late anyway, and the next train will arrive in a couple of mins, so might as well wait for awhile.
I like my personal space.
and so that's how my morning began, arriving at school at 8.50 with a ridiculous excuse.
"My train broke down"
hahaha, sound like "My dog ate my homework".
anyway, gotta go back to work.
Wonder how much fine is SMRT going to get for the break down...
Sunday, 1 June 2008
Past reviewed
Stumble upon my past entries.
Saw the promises that I gave to myself and God.
Looking at now and my past, I have failed as a son of God.
Failed as a Brother to Benedict, Nicholas, ChuanYi, Manfred and many more.
Everytime I said I want to go into secludion for a period, I can't and I din.
Many promises to fulfil.
Many Goals to hit.
Many tasks to complete.
Many people to catch up with.
One God to Love.
Life's a mess.
It's abt time I do a "spring Cleaning for my life, goals, dreams and tots.
~Fin
Saw the promises that I gave to myself and God.
Looking at now and my past, I have failed as a son of God.
Failed as a Brother to Benedict, Nicholas, ChuanYi, Manfred and many more.
Everytime I said I want to go into secludion for a period, I can't and I din.
Many promises to fulfil.
Many Goals to hit.
Many tasks to complete.
Many people to catch up with.
One God to Love.
Life's a mess.
It's abt time I do a "spring Cleaning for my life, goals, dreams and tots.
~Fin
Tuesday, 27 May 2008
Need to worker smarter and take back my time
3 months working in Christ Church Sec, haven really know all the teachers yet and i meant names.
Work isn't smooth at all.
All attention being given to students and teachers and lack of time for myself, my brother, my family, my beloved Boys and most importantly God.
Drifting further away from the peace that He promised.
Moving further away from the light.
Straying away from his way.
There is a need to reject people, It's time I'm stop being "customer" oriented.
It's time to learn.
Time to fight for my rights.
Work isn't smooth at all.
All attention being given to students and teachers and lack of time for myself, my brother, my family, my beloved Boys and most importantly God.
Drifting further away from the peace that He promised.
Moving further away from the light.
Straying away from his way.
There is a need to reject people, It's time I'm stop being "customer" oriented.
It's time to learn.
Time to fight for my rights.
Sunday, 25 May 2008
Depression hits again?
Yes, it's been long since i blogged.
The on a trip to batam yesterday with the teachers of Christ Church Secondary School.
1st: God arranged the events in such that there is no parade for the 51st and i can go on the trip in peace.
2nd: the trip was delayed and the Go-cart was canceled, and thus i saved some money.
3rd: God sent rain and the boring culture dance performance was canceled as well.
4th: There was nothing to buy from the Batam shopping mall. Saved money.
5th: The whole trip made me realized 1 thing, no matter how much I try to be nice and put on a smile, there will still be "people" who dun smile at you. These people can only be addressed as colleagues and nothing else.
Andy asked me if i'm attending church, and commented that i should be able to find a girlfriend in church ground. I understand what he meant.
He was shocked to hear that the church does not have cell-group or similar grouping system like that to bring people of the same age group together.
Unhappy tots clouds my mind and my whole world starts to collapse.
Suddenly I feel so left out and alone.
Grieves and regrets swarmed in my heart.
Where has the friendly and helpful wei lin gone? [my chinese name, used when I was in my primary sch years]
What happened to the energetic and garang Billy? [ the christian name chose to I gave myself due to many reasons]
Isn't Elkan suppose to devote himself to God and follow closely in Him Way? [the Hebrew name that I gave myself to symbolize the new me in Christ. It meant Belonging to God]
Shouldn't be grieving over not being born into a Christian family.
Shouldn't be grieving over not attending Sunday School as a child.
Shouldn't be grieving over not being able to mix with the people in church.
I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
I dun have friends, it seems...
Family seems so cold and meaning less.
Home is like a word in the dictionary that I can hardly apply in my daily life.
everything just seems to be spiralling down the drain..
Everything seems so heavy.
even watching anime is so boring and a chore.
What's worse is tat seeing others excel, it seems like there is no hope in my future.
I'm lagging behind and i can't catch up.
I couldn't breath...
The on a trip to batam yesterday with the teachers of Christ Church Secondary School.
1st: God arranged the events in such that there is no parade for the 51st and i can go on the trip in peace.
2nd: the trip was delayed and the Go-cart was canceled, and thus i saved some money.
3rd: God sent rain and the boring culture dance performance was canceled as well.
4th: There was nothing to buy from the Batam shopping mall. Saved money.
5th: The whole trip made me realized 1 thing, no matter how much I try to be nice and put on a smile, there will still be "people" who dun smile at you. These people can only be addressed as colleagues and nothing else.
Andy asked me if i'm attending church, and commented that i should be able to find a girlfriend in church ground. I understand what he meant.
He was shocked to hear that the church does not have cell-group or similar grouping system like that to bring people of the same age group together.
Unhappy tots clouds my mind and my whole world starts to collapse.
Suddenly I feel so left out and alone.
Grieves and regrets swarmed in my heart.
Where has the friendly and helpful wei lin gone? [my chinese name, used when I was in my primary sch years]
What happened to the energetic and garang Billy? [ the christian name chose to I gave myself due to many reasons]
Isn't Elkan suppose to devote himself to God and follow closely in Him Way? [the Hebrew name that I gave myself to symbolize the new me in Christ. It meant Belonging to God]
Shouldn't be grieving over not being born into a Christian family.
Shouldn't be grieving over not attending Sunday School as a child.
Shouldn't be grieving over not being able to mix with the people in church.
I know I shouldn't be, but I am.
I dun have friends, it seems...
Family seems so cold and meaning less.
Home is like a word in the dictionary that I can hardly apply in my daily life.
everything just seems to be spiralling down the drain..
Everything seems so heavy.
even watching anime is so boring and a chore.
What's worse is tat seeing others excel, it seems like there is no hope in my future.
I'm lagging behind and i can't catch up.
I couldn't breath...
Monday, 5 May 2008
It's been long...
It's been long since i have properly blogged. taking this chance to post an entry while I'm preparing to teach and bring the blogging culture to my residential school, Christ Church Secondary in Woodlands...
It's 2 months since i'm here. coming to a term soon, students here can be quite irritating and annoying and has total disregards for the teachers. What's happening to our society? What's becoming of the students nowadays.
Students talk back, shout and verbally abuse the teachers.
Gone are the times when teachers walk in and students will greet the teachers at the class monitor's command.
Gone are the time when the students stop and greet the teachers as they approach.
Gone are the time when the teacher can concentrate on teaching the students while they pay attention to the elders teach and explain.
So what happened?
Teachers have to "wrestle" with managing the students and control the noise level.
Teachers are also put at risk of being sued for abuse and "blacklisted" if they ever do physically "touch" the students.
Are the younger generation too protected?
Are they too "spoilt" by the government and their family?
Too deep an issue to discuss
Too wide an issue to put a conclusion
Many factors involved
Many parties affected
Time to get going
Lots of work to do
Lots of tasks to think about
Plenty to follow up
In a Love Hate relationship with my job
Fin~
It's 2 months since i'm here. coming to a term soon, students here can be quite irritating and annoying and has total disregards for the teachers. What's happening to our society? What's becoming of the students nowadays.
Students talk back, shout and verbally abuse the teachers.
Gone are the times when teachers walk in and students will greet the teachers at the class monitor's command.
Gone are the time when the students stop and greet the teachers as they approach.
Gone are the time when the teacher can concentrate on teaching the students while they pay attention to the elders teach and explain.
So what happened?
Teachers have to "wrestle" with managing the students and control the noise level.
Teachers are also put at risk of being sued for abuse and "blacklisted" if they ever do physically "touch" the students.
Are the younger generation too protected?
Are they too "spoilt" by the government and their family?
Too deep an issue to discuss
Too wide an issue to put a conclusion
Many factors involved
Many parties affected
Time to get going
Lots of work to do
Lots of tasks to think about
Plenty to follow up
In a Love Hate relationship with my job
Fin~
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
Truth or Lies.
All this while I have been told that i have to be baptized to join the BOTC, Basic Officer Training Course.
All these years, I have been a lowly OTC, Officer Cadet Trainee, a not recognised 1.
Not recognized by HQ, not acknowledged by the officers in church. ALONE...
A surge in me asked me to call HQ to ask about it today, and to my horror...
How is it that i can survive on such an environment for such a long time...
How does it feel to be fighting all odds and only to discover that what you have been fighting for all these years only to discover that all these turned out to be a mistake, or what's worse, a lie...
Was it a mistake? Was it a Lie? Was it a misunderstanding?
I do not know...
I do not want to know...
I only know that rite now my heart greives...
Tears seems to be welling out of my eyes...
I want to cry out loud, but something seems to e stuck at my throat...
If it was a lie, God allowed it?
If it was a misunderstanding, God allowed it?
If it was a mistake, God allowed it?
Was it of the flesh or spirit?
Always go back to the source, only the source holds the truth. Humans are not trust worthy, not anymore...
I can't think properly now...
How much do I have to suffer under the hands of people who call themselves Christians, People who call themselves BROTHERS IN CHRIST?
All these years, I have been a lowly OTC, Officer Cadet Trainee, a not recognised 1.
Not recognized by HQ, not acknowledged by the officers in church. ALONE...
A surge in me asked me to call HQ to ask about it today, and to my horror...
How is it that i can survive on such an environment for such a long time...
How does it feel to be fighting all odds and only to discover that what you have been fighting for all these years only to discover that all these turned out to be a mistake, or what's worse, a lie...
Was it a mistake? Was it a Lie? Was it a misunderstanding?
I do not know...
I do not want to know...
I only know that rite now my heart greives...
Tears seems to be welling out of my eyes...
I want to cry out loud, but something seems to e stuck at my throat...
If it was a lie, God allowed it?
If it was a misunderstanding, God allowed it?
If it was a mistake, God allowed it?
Was it of the flesh or spirit?
Always go back to the source, only the source holds the truth. Humans are not trust worthy, not anymore...
I can't think properly now...
How much do I have to suffer under the hands of people who call themselves Christians, People who call themselves BROTHERS IN CHRIST?
Thursday, 7 February 2008
Incomplete Reunion Dinner
Despite the heavy snow and unforgiving weather, many chineses in China hope to go bak home to their love ones to part-take in the lunar new year eve reunion dinner.
It's a chinese custom/tradition for the family members to return home to have a meal together as a complete family, like thanks-giving dinner celebrated by most westerners.
Of course, there will be people who can't be bothered of these customs, while some can't go back home due to work or study commitments.
The pain of not having a meal with your family, and loved ones is tremendous.
The unspeakable sadness, the feeling of loneliness in a foreign land.
But all this will pass away cause you know that eventually your family will be waiting and looking forward for you to come bak.
The worse people are not those who dun bother abt reunion dinner. It's those who chooses to have the dinner with other relatives over you.
It wasn't a situation without choice that they can't return, they chose not to.
Such people is simply just saying that you are not part of "my" family, you're not that important.
Angry and sadden by that man's action. I'm not going to sink any further than those feelings, I'm not going to spoil the mood of this Festive season. I want to be happy, and face this with cheerfulness. I'll look up at the blue sky and smile.
It's a chinese custom/tradition for the family members to return home to have a meal together as a complete family, like thanks-giving dinner celebrated by most westerners.
Of course, there will be people who can't be bothered of these customs, while some can't go back home due to work or study commitments.
The pain of not having a meal with your family, and loved ones is tremendous.
The unspeakable sadness, the feeling of loneliness in a foreign land.
But all this will pass away cause you know that eventually your family will be waiting and looking forward for you to come bak.
The worse people are not those who dun bother abt reunion dinner. It's those who chooses to have the dinner with other relatives over you.
It wasn't a situation without choice that they can't return, they chose not to.
Such people is simply just saying that you are not part of "my" family, you're not that important.
Angry and sadden by that man's action. I'm not going to sink any further than those feelings, I'm not going to spoil the mood of this Festive season. I want to be happy, and face this with cheerfulness. I'll look up at the blue sky and smile.
Friday, 18 January 2008
Not walking alone
It's a long time since I really posted something positive.
Hahaha...
Well, God is very graceful to me.
He has been providing me lil bits of income bit by bit when i needed them the most.
A few ppl return me money here, claim back a bit of money there, earn a bit here, scrimp a bit there. That's the life that He want's me to experience.
Prayed for a Job, clueless of wat to look for, I prayed to Him.
Now i've finally got a job tat is prefect for me.
It's not gonna be easy, there will be trouble and difficulties, but with and by His will I'll be alrite.
Hahaha...
Well, God is very graceful to me.
He has been providing me lil bits of income bit by bit when i needed them the most.
A few ppl return me money here, claim back a bit of money there, earn a bit here, scrimp a bit there. That's the life that He want's me to experience.
Prayed for a Job, clueless of wat to look for, I prayed to Him.
Now i've finally got a job tat is prefect for me.
It's not gonna be easy, there will be trouble and difficulties, but with and by His will I'll be alrite.
Tuesday, 1 January 2008
Vengeances
When one is cursed, two Graves are dug.
A saying from the popular anime in japan.
Yet how true it is.
In the world of Withcraft and Sourcery, What goes around comes around.
How foolish humans can be even knowing that hatred and vengeance will come back and haunt them, bringing forth more miseries.
How can one free himself from such a vicious trap and cycle?
How can one find peace in such a chaotic world and time?
Time and time again I wanted to leave this wretched world and go to heaven.
Many a time, i wanted to commit suicide to end the pain and suffering.
Burdened and tormented by others and myself, guilt and depression strangles me.
Duties and desires chained me down.
I want to be free.
I want to be loved.
I want a family.
I want to find God.
I want to end the war within me, the war between the holy spirit and the demon within me.
I'm not shameful to confess that I know of the demons and the devil personally.
I know their works and their plans.
I'm their strongest weapon against God, against Jesus Christ.
That is how sinful I am.
A saying from the popular anime in japan.
Yet how true it is.
In the world of Withcraft and Sourcery, What goes around comes around.
How foolish humans can be even knowing that hatred and vengeance will come back and haunt them, bringing forth more miseries.
How can one free himself from such a vicious trap and cycle?
How can one find peace in such a chaotic world and time?
Time and time again I wanted to leave this wretched world and go to heaven.
Many a time, i wanted to commit suicide to end the pain and suffering.
Burdened and tormented by others and myself, guilt and depression strangles me.
Duties and desires chained me down.
I want to be free.
I want to be loved.
I want a family.
I want to find God.
I want to end the war within me, the war between the holy spirit and the demon within me.
I'm not shameful to confess that I know of the demons and the devil personally.
I know their works and their plans.
I'm their strongest weapon against God, against Jesus Christ.
That is how sinful I am.
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