Given up, Bak to the drawing board.

Working is TTSH izzin workin' out. seriously.
NIE still has no reply, not gonna wait any more.
Resigned from TTSH, Monday is my last day.
No plans yet.
Taking things one at a time.
Focusing on getting my bike license 1st.
Time to end this.
Its about time I become a full fledge Rider.
Then after that is my driver's license, save money for my bike, den get a car from my dad.
Doubt that's gonna happen, he never fulfil his promises.
maybe get a cheap 2nd hand MPV or SUV.
bigger is better, like a family.

Ending before i could start.

Yet another day @ work in TTSH.
Busy busy busy.
patients moving in like crazy bees attracted to the sweet smell of honey..
the clerks here are very helpful, a bit too helpful.
helpful to the point of messy. too many cooks spoils the broth.
haizz.
today is only the 6th day at work, but the manager told me that they have enough people here already, will be transferring me to another clinic.
haiz.. just when i'm getting used to this place..
anyway, i might just quit.
BB seems to need my attention more..
CHoices..
NIE application still no reply.. dun even know if i should go look for a prem job.
haiz.

fin
scribbles

Old, dirty and worn out rubber...

Tired. Very tired..
Physically, mentally and spritually.
Not getting much sleep.
Not getting much support.
I need rest.. a rest from the world.
away from technology, away from city..
Mayb i should spend sometime at the beach..
Mayb i should go bak to malaysia for a while..
Mayb i should be alone..
Wait, i'm already alone..
burdened by much issues.
Past.
Present.
Future.
My Own issues.
Other people's issues.
I guess nobody bothers anymore.

Ought to sleep now.
Nobody reads this...
cause if they do, they ought would have known, instead of asking "r u ok?" or "wat happened?"

fin~
scribbles

easier said than done

It's getting harder and harder to keep my rage in control.
Keeping myself in emotional state doesn't seem to help anymore...
Not knowing when i'll snap, i fear that i might hurt the people i care and love for.
Benedict thinks that i'm being emo, cause i'm emo..
Sadly, that what most people think of me...
They know me not...
not well enough to understand the rage and hatred and deep grudge that i have for humans.
Last night, i lost control for a while...
A long time since i lost control...
Nobody listens.. everyone jumps to conclusion and quick to give advice...
Death seems to be a much easier way out then facing this Raging demon that's sealed within me..
Everybody wants to be happy, likewise for me cause i'm human too.
Living seems to be more of a burden than happiness.
I want to see the Lord, i want to be in heaven with God, I want to go back home.
Using depression to suppress rage.. that's my way for control, but rage seems to getting stronger and stronger.
Maybe letting go is the solution.
Easier said than done.

fin
-Scribbles.EL-

Friends. Love them, Hate them, yearn to have, rather not have.

That's a long title i knw.
as the recent events that unfolds in and ard my life have sorta enlighten me.
I thank God for showing me the signs and visions.
As the recent posts shows that i hav regrets of my childhood due to the lack of friends. Self pity? Mayb.
Recently i came to knw that a friend of mine have permanently ended his friendship with another.
I realised that while some yearns for somebody to be friends with them, some actually wished that they had not known each other at all.
Is friendship really that weak? Too tired to ponder over it now.
Just wanna finish this entry.

Another thing...
I'm so ashame of myself.
God have blessed me with the gift to sense other ppl's feelings, yet I did not put my gift to gd use and all i did was whine abt my past..
While my lil brother is sending out signs of depress and disappointment, calling out for somebody to talk to, i'm there too occupied with my stupid past and failed to realise his need and cry.
I'm such a disgrace and let God down..
Putting my sad unworthy past aside, starting anew, looking out for my lil brother.
Less of me, More of others and Everything for God.
How much of the statement can I fulfil?
I do not know, but I'm gonna try.

dedicating this song, Graduation by Vitamin C, to Benedict and his classmates.
Also to friends who are still friends and friends who are no longer friends.


-fin

If only time can be turned backed...

When lil brother tells me of his outing to sentosa today, of wat happened and all, I can help but feel depressed and jealous.
Not envious, but jealous.
Born not with gd looks, cute features, I eventually became an OUTCAST of the class.
when u put a below average looks with a not so bright brain along with a not so educated family in a class filled with smartys and well to do family, u will get a OUTCAST.
being INVITED to an outing or just to hangout by classmates only happens in my dream and can be considered a luxury, let along going to sentosa with friends.
I know you might think that, " hey but now ur all grown up and u have friends don't u. u can go with ur friends now."
Yes, i know. But it can never cover that large empty hole in my past.
the empty hole that is suppose to be filled with happy memories and friends.
I have been alway outside the picture...
I guess I will always be...

Guardian, a cursed destiny, a worthless past.

Guardian. a term so noble, a term tat sounds heroic.
To me, it's a term that means cursed fate and destiny.
It's a term that bring forth sadness.

Guardian is a word for a guard, a protector.
Someone who guards, watches over, or protects.
But to someone like me, it's a different meaning.
I'm a Guardian.
not referring to a normal Guardian, but one that have destined to be one.
Upbringing, family situations, environment that we grew up in, has forced us to become one that is called Guardian.
Life without Childhood, memories that is not worth recalling, growing up protecting others all the time, loving others all the time.

Wind and I found each other in our secondary sch years.
Thinking that it was just a make-believe story, we stop searching for the other "siblings" as time past.
Nobody to confide to, only to let people ard us confide to.
always one who provide comfort to others, and noone else can comfort us.
i'm glad that Wind is ard, at least we can confide to each other.
Cursed is our lives, living a life with only sorrows...
-Water-

empty

empty.
friendless.
lonely.
forget it.
fake.
i want to say go away, but my heart wants u to stay.
tired.
i want a real hug.
not text.
i want a cuddle.
a real physical cuddle.
dun feel like living anymore.
so empty here.
empty and cold.

Lost..

Nellie's grandmother just passed away.
My deepest condolences to you Nel.
She was admitted to the hospital abt a week ago.
i went to visit her a few days ago.
she looks so much better yet now she has suddenly left us.
At that point of time, i should have preached to her the gospel.
Blame it on my lazyness and inability to preach..
Now we have completely lost her...
I have not been fulfilling my basic duty as a child of God.
I can only say that i'm a disgrace to God the Father.

-scribbles.EL-

Weird Encounters

Have u ever met a total stranger who gave u the feelings that u have met before?
The kind of feeling that tells u to go talk to him/her.
The feeling of knowing her already even though the both of u have only met for the 1st time.
Well, i'm not saying i have met such a person, just wondering.
But do have fallen in love before i must say.
The urge to see him/her. Always thinking of that person with no logical reason.
The name just keeps popping up in ur mind that its annoying yet blissed.
A totally different feeling than the one i described.
I think the 1st would be called "Love at 1st Sight".
The other would be "Gradually Fallen in Love".
Wat ever is the case, Romance is out of my life for awhile, putting it aside so i can concentrate.
Putting all my effort to understand the true meaning of love and to truly love people instead of being responsible.
Well, some mind food to chew on, do u love your parents or are u just being responsible as a son? Will u "love" them if they are not ur parents?
=)

-scribbles.EL-